Wednesday, February 27, 2013

brain dump

I haven't written anything in a long, long time. There are words trying to spill out. Words that in the jumble of my mind really make no sense at all. Maybe they will if I give them attention.

 My life is beautiful.
 Chaotic at times, but still quite beautiful.
Those two girls - happy and healthy. Full lives of their own.
Me - well, at home, I live with silence.
There are noises all around me, but nothing of real substance.
TV - dog, cat purring, "what's for supper", "did you talk to your girl today", "no, I guess they are busy"
The mail - left on my end of the counter -bills - bank statements - an occasional treat of a handwritten letter.
A mess everywhere -- a reflection of who I am today??? Maybe.

Wedding debris - leftovers - still piled everywhere. A mess.
So very happy - thankful - that she is on her way - her own journey -
God,  how I pray for a fairly easy path.

An empty bedroom - that other one comes and goes - college, work, her own life.
Full - her journey - her path ----
For that one I pray too --

Darkness - I was told last night that I am embracing darkness.
Nope, wrong, I'm simply resting in the shade.

Been working in the sun way too long.
Long days,
Followed by late nights

Alone with myself for so much of that work.
Silence -- except for the phrase "there's nothing to do around here."
Oh at the things that need doing.
The silent one oblivious or maybe just unwilling, uncaring.
Oh but the darkness there - it is ever present - lights out - clicker - beer - tv spewing mindless chatter.
But nothing to do.

Me - I workout - for my physical and mental health
Me - I work in the studio - for my mental health and maybe a little extra cash for go towards that monster mountain of debt. At least it is not like the Rockies any longer. More like the Smokey Mountains. Sure wish is was like the flat sands on the beach ----
Me - I go with friends - or try too.
Me - I see my mama - I recognize I won't always have her.

Been said by the same "embracing the darkness" person that I'm filling my life with "busy work"

Again - nope - wrong - I'm trying to fill my life with things that I love.

Working in the sun - maybe too much - but the sun is good for me.
Wishing for some serious time in nature -
A path like pictured above.

Some sun - some work - some chaos - some shade - not a straight path - but one that leads me to wander - to ponder - little rabbit trails off to the sides. Some silence that is not deafening. Company alongside. Conversations that accomplish something. Seeing things and pointing them out. Noticing things and acting on them. Working. Relaxing.

Really living.

Oh - I know whats wrong.

But now how in the hell do I fix it?

Sorry for the mind spill ----- It still doesn't make sense. I think I need a vacation. But I still think my life is still beautiful.


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