FORGIVE........

This post has been written and deleted so many times. It has been written in my mind and edited and edited. I am struggling with the words here. But I want to follow through with the post about the word challenge between me and my sweet friend, MaryAnn.

She got to choose the word for February and she chose FORGIVE. I cringed. I complained. I wanted to quit the challenge.

I have a lot to FORGIVE. Honestly people we all do.

Often it is much harder to FORGIVE the closer the person(s) are to us. And most often FORGIVING ourself is the most difficult act of all.

I worked hard on this challenge and I let go of some small things - I am still working hard on this and I am slowly letting go of some bigger things.

What I discovered about myself - sometimes hanging on to the hurt and anger becomes the comfortable way to feel. That comfy shroud becomes sort of an armour. Even a weapon. And without realizing it - I become angrier, cynical, ugly. MaryAnn pointed out that even in my blog writing of the past the sense of ugliness was there.

I went back and read many many posts. It was awful. It was ugly. I was ugly.

This is not a religious blog, but I am a Christian. I went to the scripture. I read other people's writings on FORGIVENESS. I searched blogs. I talked to friends.

I learned - FORGIVING is not a once and done thing. It is a do over and over thing. A slow release of the hurt, of the anger, of the ugly. It is an act. It is a discipline. It requires work. Focus. Determination. It allows those feeling to surface again - raw and painful - instead of being buried and covered up, tucked away to minimize the horror of it. There has even been a process very similar to grieving over some of this.

But this word - FORGIVE - this challenge set forth by my precious friend (who didn't give up on me) has been by far the most rewarding word so far.

I am still working on it.

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Remember - the actual act of GOD'S GRACE AND FORGIVENESS was not a stunning, gorgeous piece of art or Jewelry. Like the bracelet pictured below.

It actually probably looked more like this ----

And this ....


But His act brings me closer. And FORGVING myself and others leads me closer to ...

FORGIVE - it is hard. FORGIVE it is necessary. FORGIVE it will make room for JOY in my life.

FORGIVE.

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Thank you MaryAnn for this challenge. I am still working on it.

I have chosen an easier word for this month -- my word is PLAN.

Love -

As we going into the Lenten season (today is Ash Wednesday) Spend 40 days in the Wilderness with Jesus and know that His Sacrifice means everything to us.