Letting People In.......

I have a split personality. Not not like a medical diagnosis - more like an alter ego. Very few people that I work with know the "real me". The me that all of you who read here are very familiar with. Dennis - who's gorgeous picture of the view from his home was in yesterday's post - knew very little about the real me - and has been a surprise encouragement for me to continue this blog in the early days - he still reads and I want to thank him for that.

I wear many masks for people - I have worn many more in the past. The "party girl" mask, the "i really don't care what you think" mask, the "I am strong enough to handle anything" mask, Hell I even have a mask that proclaims "total BITCH and proud of it". How many of us put on that"you can't hurt me", "I got it all under control" and " I know exactly what I am doing here" mask with even our family - only to disintegrate into a blubbering mess behind closed doors. I think I wanted to fit in everywhere, so I developed all of these persona for whatever situation I found myself in.

Cancer changed things, being with loved ones as they suffered and died changed things. I think as you approach your 40's you start seeing a change in the diligence of putting on your mask(s). It is sometimes just too much work to wear the damn things.



Who am I? I am a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, employee, church member, volunteer, cancer survivor, caregiver to many. I am the chauffeur, part time cook, part time maid, accountant, engineer, troubleshooter, receptionist, and banker. I am the tutor, part time nurse, personal shopper, seamstress, stock clerk, guard, psychologist. I am an encourager, the listener, the sympathizer, vet, animal rescue expert, exterminator, secretary, cheerleader. This list can go on and on forever. Good ol' Teresa - she will take care of it. Don't worry - she'll make it happen.

I can make a decision in a flash and stand by that decision with no problem. I can drink with the best of them. I am not afraid of hard work or difficult situations. While I do not like conflict, I will stand my ground and not back away from it. I am the one in charge of emotional well being for my children. I can solve technical problems for customers, I help lead them through the decision making process for their now homes, and I am good at all those things.

But that is who I am to all the other peole in my life and with that statement - I come to the part about the masks. Why do I hide the real me for so many of those people? At what point did that person become lost? What do I have have to do to find her? Did all those other people bury her alive somewhere in the shadow of their life?

I pretend everything is wonderful sometimes and that I am okay too. Well this space has helped to destroy some of those masks. You all have been so absolutely wonderful to me in my creative soul. The real me is emerging again. You know who she is, the child inside who can play for hours, squeal with glee at the smallest gem of pleasure. The child who colors with every crayon in the box with no caring of whether they match or not. Who runs and jumps and swings and twirls without worrying about who is watching. the one who has no parameters of what is "acceptable" in this situation. Kids ask questions with no embarassment. The true child in us has no hurtful desires against others, they just want to play and have fun.

I am finding her so much more often now. I chose MaggieGrace as the name of my blog in memory of the child not meant to share time with us here. I has become the name of the studio space. As I start over on etsy - that will be the name of the shop over there.

MaggieGrace is the true ego of me and with encouragement from so many of you guys and one very special local best friend, she is becoming much more open to allowing others into her world. I see it happen in many ways. Especially in the not worrying too much about what others think. Sure - I want people to like me - but I have found that I cannot make that happen. Last night, as I was painting in the studio, stepping back and looking at the results, I was overtaken with complete joy over that project. The man at my address has no clue about the look I was after. Rustic, beach cottage, okay to get sand (or paint or glitter) all over the floor. Not to worry about splatter on the walls - they are worn and faded anyway. The man has helped me with the heavy labor part of this little building, but it is mine - all mine. I can decorate it to suit me. It has been built for me - for MaggieGrace - using many of the ideas I want to live by. Recycled, repurposed, a little rough around the edges still. But let me tell you - when you enter this space - you will feel good. You may even ask for the whole box of crayons. Knowing that I am nearing the ability to move all my stuff in feels incredible.

And the beauty of the items that are being inspried here is amazing. Why - because there is not one "mask" allowed in that room. The side effect of that is filtering out into the other parts of my world. Customers are beginning to know that I am a creative soul. People around me are being subjected to looking at what my latest creation is or will be. I am amazed at the result of taking the masks off. The response has been almost all positive and is encouraging me to remove even more of the masks from my self. That is very empowering.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to thank you all for the part you have played in the emergence. But I also wanted to work through the thoughts that I had while working on the studio last night. I hope some of you will someday visit MaggieGrace Studio for real. We will sit and talk or create. We may eat or drink - laugh or cry. Just remember - when you come to visit, bring your authentic self - you will have to leave all your masks lying in a pile by the door.

All of these photos were taken from my moms albums. Me - before the world gave me all of that baggage.

Have a wonderful day.