Day 30 -- the end of the month

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Originally uploaded by maggiegracecreates

This picture is me - the back says December 1966. I have the snowsuit still - both my girls wore it.

(Oh and the wedding posted about yesterday occurred 103 years ago. 1906)

It has been a good month for me. I finished a lot of stock for the Art show.

Anyone want to keep playing in October? I need a few supplies I have a running list - things like adhesives and brads.

October will be jewelry month for me in the studio - I'll be doing a set of paper tags each day and at least one jewelry piece. To start with I need to polish and bend some spoon bowls to collage. I'll probably do the jewelry in batches of 10.

As we approach the end of softball season, I get to spend a lot of crochet time. Last night had me working on a red scarf piece that I should finish tonight. I'll start another if I do. Softball Princess has two games today.

I am trying to decide if I should post something here - I have been so open about things and something happened in my weight loss journey yesterday that I am thinking could really sidetrack me, but it is so personal and so scary that I am struggling. I may be back later today if I can put this into words. edit - I am adding this. I have thought about it all day and decided that if one person is helped by this knowledge then I should go for it. Also - I got a few comments and a ton of private emails encouraging me.

I have been open in past posts that when my dad was killed I had food issues. Specifically - I became anorexic. It was a direct result of the stress and lack of ability to deal with the situation. I obviously replaced those tendencies with over-eating, another fear and lack of control response. In recent years, I have slayed many internal demons, but never really dealt with the stresses/responses that trigger my food issues. MIND YOU - MY ANOREXIA WAS NOT ABOUT FOOD. It was about control, food was just my tool of choice. Finding myself slowed by an injury and realizing that it would slow down my weight loss, last night found me almost deciding to just not eat. In the irrational parts of my brain, I saw food as the tool of control.

I am 40+ years old and rationally I can take full control of all my decisions. But that little irrational controlling demon voice was so freakin' loud. Yelling to the weaker parts of me about being fat and being weak and how I will never really be fully healthy mentally and physically and I had a hard time silencing it. It scared me to see how easily all those bad behaviors (aka - not eating) could easily return to my way of life, if I am not paying attention. I did recognize what was happening but it freaked me out. Parts of me wanted to give in. Parts of me wanted to give up. Parts of me wanted to run away.

Lucky for me, my family is rather accustomed to the crazy lady who lives there talking to herself. So out loud I simply asked myself what we were having to eat. I did not ask if we wanted to eat. I did not ask if we should eat. Those were not the important questions in this scenario. But in that act of conciously over ruling the inner critic food demon, I began to finally, after all these many years, take charge of my mental health about food issues.

Why share this? Watch the Biggest Loser - all of those people have emotional issues tied to their weight. Look at teenage girls - too many suffer from anorexia and/or bulemia (sp?) over self esteem or other mental issues. Listen for your demons, identify them as what they really are, make a concious decision to slay them instead of running or hiding from them. It is not easy - its been almost 30 years for me. But each time you take control, you will be much better for it and you will be a step closer to regaining full control over your decisions.

Sorry to use this fairly public forum for this, but if one teenage girl can gain even a bit of control over any addiction or food issue, It will be worth baring this part of my soul.

Have a great day. My life is beautiful and I claim and celebrate that beauty.