Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No excuses

There's no picture with this post. This is also another ponder filled heavy post. Marti left a comment about struggling with weightloss and an expression of desire for more information about bootcamp. I read a quote recently and these two things have been in my brain for the last few days.

Keep in mind, I am not judging one person here. These are my thoughts about myself as a fat person trying to get healthy.

The quote ----- I want to make a difference by doing things that don't seem to matter.

I create. I am a mom. I work a full time job that on most days I love. I am in the car at least an hour everyday. We have a busy lifestyle. My mom lives alone and needs some attention. On and on and on.

Let me start with a full fledged confession here - I own a huge collection of weight watcher and fitness magazines. I have read them for years but never applied the words to me.

The biggest lie I told myself. I am not all that fat.

The second biggest lie I told myself. I don't have time to exercise.

Another lie. Thin people are fit.

Try this one. She, he, they have more time to exercise than I do.

Here is the reality --- whatever excuse you use is a LIE. A lie to yourself and others.

I was fat -- really still am. But I am healthier right now than I have been in years.

I used to really enjoy going out to a club, singing and dancing the night away. Not so much anymore. We still go and we still have a good time, but the entire time I am there, I am aware of being fat. That takes away from enjoying myself. While I am being honest here, I am aware of how frumpy I feel (felt) all the time.

Buying clothing is a chore when you are fat. In the back of your brain, you know that no verticle stripe in black is really taking away any of your size. But still you rationalize that an outfit does help your appearance. Even at my highest weight, I still had "feel good" outfits. Just not as many as when I was small or average sized. As one photo recently seen on the Peopleof Walmart website explains "if you can see the entire word BOOTYLISCIOUS across your ass, you ain't."

Lingerie and underwear, this is very personal. I love nice lingerie. Panties. Bras. I love having on sexy underthings at work under a conservative outfit. Secretly sexy. That crap don't happen when you are a big girl.

I have so many insecurities about myself. About my looks. About my abilities. About _______ you fill in that dang blank.

You cannot get healthy for anybody else. Been there, done that. Lost the weight so someone will notice you. It won't work. Sure that man will love a fitter, more toned body, but if that is your only motivation, forget it. If in the back of your mind you are saying "things will be better with us if I can lose some weight" -- better dig a little deeper into your soul for motivation. Things might be better, but only superficially. You can only do this for yourself. There you go.

Truths. We all got the same amount of time everyday. Spend some of it on yourself. You are worth it.

About Boot Camp. The one I attend is not expensive. We are led through our routine by a lovely lady named Christy. (the summer was by two extraordinary and amazing young ladies) but I really like Christy. She is one of us. Works full time - has children and grandchildren - active in her church and community - on other words - we can relate to her. We meet on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday for an hour at a local school. BIG TRUTH HERE - it is hard work, but the hardest thing for me is turning into the driveway. Routines vary by available area of the campus but here are the basics. Warm up - plymetric moves. Stretches. Cardio. Strength training. Ab work. Cool Down. Stretch. Rain - meet in weight room. Heat, cold - no matter - outside either cross country trail, hills, or track around football field. It takes me 75 walking lunges to get across the football field - and a ton of concentration to keep my balance. Every now and then she springs bleacher busters on us - step ups, squats and lunges all done on the risers of the bleachers - the change is challenging. Could I exercise at this level at home or alone - yes. Would I -- not even.

There is a camraderie among the group. We are all at difference levels of fitness, have different goals for ourselves. Some have physical challenges. Modifications to any exercise are always available. NO judgement. Just encouragement. You are competing only with yourself. One more push up this week. 25 more steps around the track before you have to walk to recover. I love that environment. There are no divas. Don't really know if your form is correct - Elaine is my watchdog for that. Don't know how to use a particular piece of weight equipment - Christy will show you.

Do we giggle -- yes -- a lot. But we also grunt, groan, gripe, burp, and fart. Not to worry - you are among friends. We celebrate each others smallest improvement. We share tips, ideas, recipes, etc. We talk about our kids, work, spouses, friends - not in a gossip manner, just the way encouragers do.

I have a few things that have kicked my ass. One piece of ab equipment - and jumping jacks. The jacks hurt my knees - so I just jump up and down and that ab equipment - I go in just a few minutes early and face that monster. What I could not do in June - I did 6 knee raises on last night - and I celebrated.

I am sore every day - in that still finding muscles that are not accustomed to being challenged in any way. As my shape changes and I get stronger - I push harder and challenge myself again. Eating right adds to my weight loss. Every now and then an emotional demon raises its head and I have to search in my soul to find out what that is about. The emotional side of this was unexpected. Facing the reality of how far I had let myself go and how hard it is to head back in the right direction is frustrating. The reasons behind not really caring that I had gotten fat are really difficult to admit and discuss. The lies I told myself for so many years haunt me often.

What happens as I get healthy are still unknown. Right now I can tell you honestly. I have more energy. I sleep better. I am proud when a new better toned portion of me appears. I have more stamina. I am stronger. Even bringing in the groceries is easier.

That's enough for today. Hopefully this will resonate with somebody. Questions and comments are welcome.

Marti - you are beautiful and so worthy of any investment you make into yourself. Hang in there, and keep plugging away at it. One more situp today - one less soda. You can do this.

Its a beautiful day in my beautiful life.

1 comment:

Marti @ The Next Fifty Years said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been really down about my weight lately and feel like giving up. Everything you said is so true, especially "whatever excuse you use is a LIE. A lie to yourself and others." I tell myself I look ok - while I have my jeans unbuttoned while I sit because they cut into my stomach and none of my shirts will button at the bottom. I know weight is relative - what I would be happy with now is what I thought was heavy last year, and I don't know what to think is a reasonable goal.

How did you find your boot camp? Except for tv shows, I've never even heard of them, and thought they were all location camps where you spent a week or two locked away somewhere.

Your comments about lingerie and black stripes made me grin. A few years ago, Hubby gave me some kind of bikini type lingerie for Valentines, size small. I had to show him that it wouldn't go over my knee for him to realize I wasn't that size anymore. Then a couple of years ago, he not so gently asked me to quit wearing plaid. That's when I realized I wasn't fooling anyone.