Waiting For Your Return

Waiting For Your Return
Originally uploaded by evanleavitt

Disclaimer - this is a heavy, thought provoking post. Looking for frivolity - go ahead and stop here.

"Everyone carries secrets, hopes, and dreams in the center of their soul. Sometimes the secrets are too dark and strong to let the hopes and dreams become real. Our job is to help take away the darkness so the life can begin for all the hopes and dreams." Jim Smith

The photo above is from flickr. Evan is a contact to me there and although I do not know him at all - his photography speaks to me. This picture was one. I have been in that darkness. Even the name of the picture has described me. While I was in the dark, my life was waiting for me to return.

I do not know the true darkness of depression. Not the clinical depression that many people experience. I am not talking about that darkness. The darkness I felt was one of life blows, decisions I should have made differently, situations out of my control, who am I really? - that kind of darkness.

Molly is trying to decide things about college and life after college. How her decisions now will affect her life are a part of the process. We have had many, many discussions lately about that kind of stuff. She was changing schools - no she wasn't - she is going to Peru - no Spain I think - I want to be a pharmacist - now I am not so sure. My advice - think, pray, take your time with these decisions. She will be 20 years old next August. I was married at twenty. She is nowhere near that option (thank you Lord).

For many years, my name has been mommy, wife, employee, youth director, and contained all the sub titles that go with that. Teresa, the real person, got lost in the shuffle. I NEVER took any time just for me. Not until I was 30+. Molly even says "mom turned 30, developed a mind of her own, and dad hasn't figured out what hit him yet."

I have good friends. I have good aquaintances. I have a fabulous support system around me. I have been blessed to have two "very best friends" in my life. Jim until he passed away and now local best friend. Cyber friends who may know me better than some people I see everyday. All of those people have uncovered and pushed away the darkness. They have helped me open curtains and unpack secrets. Now the hopes and dreams are getting vital light and they get stronger everyday. The darkness is losing power.

Been in MaggieGraceWorld for two long, long nights this week. Pondering nights. Demon fighting nights. I'm winning - but I lost track of that fact for a few days. I have a beautiful life, but the crap of living sorta hid that view from me. The darkness was trying to close in again. But then something happened. I took control.

At 220 pounds -- there you go --- the number out loud, in May I saw a photo of myself online. Taken at an art workshop. I love the picture - there was happiness written all over my face - but damn folks I was fat. and I had managed to hide that fact from my rational brain (don't ask but every woman knows what I am talking about). I started eating right - weight watchers - and exercising - Bootcamp. The first night, it took me almost 24 minutes to walk a mile - I could not even run the length of the bleachers. Pushups - I couldn't do 5. Situps - if I remember right, I did 8. My best friend even was sarcastic about it. I cried that first night and a few more after that. I even threw up on the side of the road one night. In August, my mile time was down to 17 minutes. By September, I was shopping in the back of the closet, wearing clothes that I haven't worn in a long time. I also set a new goal. A 14 minute mile. (Real runners please do not laugh here)

Last night we arrived to hear the phrase - we are timing tonight. I felt really good about getting close to 14 minutes. Stretch, warm up, nerves (WTF). Nerves because this is about control and pushing and it is very important to me. I don't give a crap about the fact that Jan lapped me. She's a real runner. Better than that - she stood at the finish line with several others cheering each person on to be better than the last time.

My new stats -- weight 188 --- sit ups 25/minute --- modified pushups 51/minute --- mile time 12:55. YES UNDER 13 MINUTES. I cried again but for totally different reasons. I met and exceeded my goal. Got to set a new one. Putting it here - 12 minute mile (no time frame). I am also committing to run/walk a 5k (Comer Reindeer Run in December). Damn - LBF we are seeing aren't we.

Sorry this is so long. I had to get it out there.

I want to be healthy. I want to be fitter. I want to look better in my clothes. I want to follow the creative path that I have chosen. Notice - these are not "keeping up with the Jones" kinds of wants - but look out Jan I do want to run with you instead of behind you.

You know that darkness and the obscure view of the beautiful life I have -- today is bright and the view is clear for miles. I am here, it is now, no looking forward or back. Damn - its beautiful where I am.

Have a great weekend.