Monday, May 03, 2010

things they don't tell you

The doctor dropped that word on April 9th. Just like saying "it's lunchtime". Then on April 16th, they removed my left kidney and with it a golf ball sized cancerous tumor. Going into surgery, I was afraid. Afraid of two things, pain and puking. I had no idea what to expect pain wise, but puking that was familiar. Everytime anethesia is used on me I throw up -- big time. It was a topic of serious discussion with my anesthsia team. They did a fabulous job of controlling that -- I had traditional drugs - Zofran and phenergan, plus a motion sickness patch - all done before - but the seemingly magic ingredient in that concoction - benadryl. No idea why that worked but it did.

Arrive at the hospital - happy drugs - no more fears until they are sitting you on the side of the bed. By then it's too late to worry about the pain, you just do it.

Here are the fun things nobody really tells you.

1. They will teach you to get up and down from the hospital bed. This is great information for the few days you are there. It won't help at all when you get home. My bed ain't got any of those damn buttons and the call nurse feature involved tapping the snoring man to my left until he was awake enough to pull or push or whatever we were trying at that moment.

2. Taking pain meds in the middle of the night. Those nurses brought them to me in my bed, with juice or water and a little something to eat. At home, tap said man, drag butt out of bed, go pee, then stand at the kitchen island, eating whatever cracker is handy and drink soda out of the bottle. (Shhh - that's our secret)

3. That big cushy sofa that swallows you so nicely for a sunday afternoon nap, well it is not friendly with a twelve inch gash across your abdomen. You may need the man and a softball player to help you up from there. Not a great feeling when the urge to go to the bathroom finaaly comes.

4. About that -- TMI WARNING. Take your pain meds and take your meds that offset that side effect of the pain meds. Eat more fiber than the field next door. Be ready for that urge at random and inconvenient times. Be warned, this is quite possibly more uncomfortable than anything else. Here's one more for the TMI file - next time you go, try wiping on the other side. It is an enlightening experience that everyone should have.

5. It does not matter what time you shower, the second you get in the shower, someone will arrive at the door, with food, or best wishes. Again, you cannot plan to avoid this. I have showered at 7am and at 10pm - this has happened repeatedly.

6. Wander outside in your pjs - say around noon - serious bed hair because the sofa has had you swallowed. YOU WILL RUN INTO THE REALLY CUTE UPS GUY YOU GO TO CHURCH WITH. He will smile and wave and be super nice - he's really thinking -"glad that didn't wake up at my house this morning."

7. It doesn't matter how much weight you have lost, adding an elastic and velcro corset will destroy any illusion of a waistline you have. Plus this nice undergarment has no provision for garters or stockings, therefore rendering it useless for future corset wearing opportunities

8. Toenails - can't reach them - wear socks.

This one is serious - those little bolster pillows filled with the fiber pellets. The super squishy ones. These are wonderful. I got all that we had in the house and I get in bed then poke and tuck them to pad sore spots ---- yes blissful relief. It also keeps the man from rolling over and endangering his life, because something hurt you.

Hey ya'll MaggieGrace is back. I have missed you.

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