Friday, August 13, 2010


Again the picture has not one thing to do with the post. I just LIKE it.

Yesterday - I restarted bootcamp. It was a very good decision for me mentally. This journey has been much more mentally challenging than I have admitted to anyone - even myself. I was shutting down. I was retreating into myself. I was heading to a place where I have been before and where I do not want to go again. That place where you go thru the motions but there is no spark. That place where your negative energy drains every ounce of positive in you. I can't say depressed - because it really wasn't that at all.

Today I am tired. The fatigue is very real and very dramatic, but the mental funk that I have been having with it, well it didn't show up today. I do believe the endorphins generated by exercise help keep that fuzz and funk at bay.

I am still fairly quiet - but I am pondering a few things still. And I have the BIG tests on Tuesday. The contrast scans to be sure there is no more cancer floating around. So that's hanging in my brain.

I am going to say something here. I am not doing this to hurt anyone and I apologize if offense is taken. Yes, I am doing great. Yes, this has been a dramatic and traumatic journey. I hide it oh so very well. The mask is the one thing I can put on to protect those around me. See, knowing that I am struggling makes many of my closest very uncomfortable. I understand that, it is hard to watch a loved one struggle in any way. So I hide it and I have my dark moments alone. I don't want people to be uncomfortable. It's easier this way.

Many were there for me - I have been blessed beyond anything I can imagine. I appreciate each and every gesture. Believe me. I know prayers were answered. I felt your support and encouragement. I felt your love. I felt your prayer. I know that even when I felt alone - I really was not alone at all.

Having said that - the tears are behind me right now and hopefully won't be returning.

I got 30 more pounds to lose and there is a pair of blue pants hanging in my closet that made me feel amazingly well dressed at one time. I've turned the dark corner. There is light on my path. I will wear those pants and be back to my old self again really really soon.

MaggieGrace Goodies will return too.

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