Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Where I am

For months I have been thinking "WHERE AM I?" I was reeling. Going through the motions. Struggling. Wondering if the next phone call would be bad news "again". Wondering if I would wake up more fatigued than when I went to bed. Going through the motions of everyday, but not quite fully engaged. Not really having "poor pitiful me", but allowing the bad days to even partially cloud the decent ones.

At some point in the last few weeks - in a sudden corner rounding - that all changed.

Since you can't see the wrinkles on my face and all the gray in my hair in the above picture, the tall skinny one is my daughter. Yes - and holding my daughters hand is such a rare treat. Needing to hold her hand all the time is behind us.

Well - all this other is behind me too. The diagnosis. The surgery. The worst of the recovery.

"What if" and "might be" are thoughts in my mind, but there are no guarantees that that will even happen.

So there you have it. All my ponderings have led me to rephrase the line into "this is WHERE I AM."

This is what I can do today. Tomorrow may be different. This is how I feel today. Tomorrow might be different. Yesterday really doesn't matter.

I found myself right back where I like to live. I found myself appreciating right now. I found myself focusing on the next task at hand - while planning on the next one after that. No really long term "what if" "someday" or "this might". I plan for a stable future - I live in the right now.

All the pondering has left me smack dab in the middle of HAPPILY TODAY.

HAPPILY TODAY - It is where I am - and it's a damn good place to be.

So - where are you?

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