my athletic past

For more about this sport go here. These are not my pictures. But they illustrate the sport incredibly well.


Emotional baggage. I did not expect that to be an issue with the exercise and weight loss journey. I don't know why I didn't expect it, food issues are a large part of my history along with a lot of other crap. But for the last few workouts, I have found myself dealing with some things in a big way. Because I use this as my journal, I am recording this here. There won't be any sordid details, but if you choose not to read this one, it's okay by me.


I was a water skier. From the time I was a little girl and learned how, until even now occasionally, I loved to ski. Until my Daddy died, I skied fast. Sometimes up to 70 mph - distance competitions. Me, the boat, daddy driving, an observer and speed -- loved it. After Daddy died, I didn't trust anyone to pull me that fast. After that, my skiing was recreational.

But I was in great shape. Skiing is a whole body sport. I was not tiny, but I was muscular, toned, and (quoting the Man at My Address) had great legs.

Then my daddy died - killed in a job accident - and I developed anorexia. I wanted to die too. Mother was involved in her own grief, my sister lost her mind (pattern here to go with recent events), and the Man (who was not at my address but was in my life) stood by and watch me get smaller and smaller and less fit and sick.



And alone, I battled back. Went to college, graduated, went to work, became a mom, twice, diagnosed with cancer, faced it alone again. Then things went a little crazy and I let myself go.

Food issues - now I ate anything because I was afraid of anorexia again. The are lots of extenuating other things here, but the result was this extra large sloppybody on what used to be a very fit and healthy frame. I have expressed discomfort and desire to lose weight over and over again - but never really applied myself to the process.

I always tried to diet my way back slim and that just does not work. For the last couple of workouts, I have found myself angry. Really angry with myself for allowing this to get this out of control. Also angry with lots of others who enabled me to get this far out of shape. As I sweat and struggle through these workouts, I know it would have just been easier to have kept some semblance of fitness all along.

I am not discounting that everyone is working hard in this program, we all are, and the leaders are so encouraging. I get stronger and more fit with every workout. I can see progress in how my body looks and how my clothes fit. I have a ton more energy. The sense of accomplishment that comes from hitting the wall and powering through it still amazes me (always did have that problem after skiing about 17 miles and realizing there was 8 more to go).

I will say that the fear of anorexia no longer is a factor - I am so much more mentally healthy now and I know that food is fuel and good fuel in the correct amounts is necessary. Every now and then, I get frustrated with the scale numbers and for a day or so, I may go into "starvation mode", but I am listening to my body speak and that doesn't last very long.

Coca-cola was my major weakness. That and sweet tea. I have not had a coke in weeks (more like months) now. I start my day with a glass of water. I have had some sweet tea (I am a southern girl) but I limit that to an occasional treat.

I wonder if everyone struggles with emotional baggage as they attempt to get healthy. I see so many people who appear unhappy with their bodies. I know I was (am). I have no desire to be "hollywood thin" I just want to feel good and look decent in my clothes. I want to feel comfortable in a tank top or swim suit. I want to shop in the "normal" sized section of the stores.

I don't want to dress in a way that draws degrading sexual attention - like I see so many women my age do. I don't want to dress like my teenage daughters do. But I am tired of wearing my shirts untucked to cover that roll of fat around my middle. I am tired of seeing cute sleeveless tops and sundresses and realizing that I would add a layer to hide my arms.

Oh well - enough unpacking for today -

Til tomorrow --- ya'll have a wonderful day.