Monday, July 30, 2007

A fairy surprise

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At some point this weekend, I found this little surprise on my truck. Tiny little new growth moss that has attached itself to this branch. I like to think that the fairies left it for me as a gentle reminder that we all must grow, even in the most difficult of circumstances. I studied this for a while.

The moss is attached by just a few "roots" to the branch then it explodes into the atmosphere in the stunning grey green color. Those of you who know me will understand that I often think really abstractly. But here is where I arrived.

There are things I am holding on to. My history. My family. My survivor status. My mistakes. My hurts. My fears. Hard feelings about some things. Some of the things I hang onto are necessary and good. Those are the ones I should draw my nourishment from. Others are just deadwood. And I try over and over to let them go. But right now I have gripped them way too strongly.

I have trusted people that I should not have. I have befriended some who have and will betray me. I feel guilty of sometimes taking the easy way out. I don't forgive easily - myself or others. I bailed on a work situation in the past and have done my best to handle it with integrity, but have found that that did not happen from the other end. And I want to retaliate - knowing its wrong. And those things are heavy in my mind right now.

I have talked about this at great length with my best friend who is considering a major change in career. I feel cynical about what I said because of my experience. My words - "you will be thrown under the bus, because of who you work for and with. They are not people of integrity. Even if you want this to be professional and as painless as possible, they won't let it be." Why does this bother me? Because I have tried to act with integrity and others do not. I should be so far above this, but it makes me mad to know that they are trying to degrade who I am and what I stand for. The proper way to respond enforces my belief and choice of action. They way I really want to respond enforces what they are saying about me. So there it is. I have made the decision to do the right thing yet again.

So the fairies did leave me a message. A tiny branch of encouragement. The thought process leaves me with the knowledge that I have to let go of the bad stuff (yet again) and hang on to just what nourishes me well. The friendships that support and encourage me well. Those who will publicly support me even if I am dead wrong about something and then in private tell me what they really think. I have to leave the guilt and anger behind of things that happened in the past. Then I can grow no matter what.

I tossed the branch back into the growth around where I was parked. The moss will continue to grow and so will I.

If this post makes absolutely no sense to you, I am sorry. It all made sense to me.

MaggieGrace Goodies tomorrow.

Have a wonderful day

1 comment:

OldBagNewTricks said...

Once upon a time I thought "someday I will be all grown up and I will understand and have all the answers"... Oops, my mistake -- that day is never going to come. I think these situations occur again and again to give us practice and for us to see what we are made of. Wanting to throw oneself on the floor and have a fit is very different from actually having the fit. (There are reasons I don't work for Corporate America - I've taken my integrity where it is appreciated.)