Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Who is Maggie Grace?

I asked a friend this question yesterday. Friend is a regular reader of this blog and is the most honest person I know. Especially to me, even about me.

At times I have struggled with who I am and I think we all have masks that we wear to conceal what we perceive as weaknesses. If you are here for my regular type of crafty goodness and family times, hold on, this post could be a bumpy ride. I won't do this kind of thing often, but the words in response back from my best friend were "I think you are not being completely honest." And so, a blatantly honest post about Maggie Grace.

Maggie Grace was a child not meant to be. A miscarriage. The beginning of a journey toward motherhood. Some of the people who know me personally have asked and been given this answer. Some of you had not. I was a young bride, 20, and we did not want a family immediately so we waited. Waited long enough that people started the pressure thing. You know "when are you going to give me grandchildren?" etc. When we finally decided to have a child, I lost her. Then everything was so screwed up, that it took years before we were blessed with Molly.

For many of you, infertility is a daily challenge right now. I remember all the questions. I remember the tears every month. I remember thinking that with all the unwanted and unloved children in the world, why couldn't I do this. As traumatic as the miscarriage was, the infertility was even more difficult. And people are so damned insensitive. Always asking, never stepping back to see the hurt in your eyes, not understanding that there may be more to this picture than what they want for you. And I was to unsure of how to deal with it. Worse than that was, when friends would say they were trying to "get pregnant" and then two months later bring the news that they were having a baby. As hard as I tried to be joyous for them, I was pissed.

Now, what I learned was to not ask others. Having suffered this, I tried to be compassionate when I told others that we finally were pregnant, I tried to see through the bravery they might be hiding behind. I know the tears I have shed over this. I know the pity parties I held for myself. I know the dashed hopes. I know the joy of being a mother. I know the fear that I might never be one. I know the prayers I have prayed over each of my girls. I know the lack of comprehension men often suffer. I know.

Why am I sharing this? I have two beautiful girls. I am honoring the child not meant to be with this name. I am asking each of you to be considerate when couples choose (or don't have the choice) their parenting path. I am asking that you look at the sacrifice of a teenager, who upon finding herself with an unwanted pregnancy, makes decisions. I am asking you to be joyous when an adopted child finds parents to love them no matter race, culture, or creed. I am asking that you consider the impact of your words before they errupt from your mouth.

Maggie Grace was never held in my arms, but she had a purpose in her life. And I do believe she was alive from the second she was conceived. The path I have walked in my life is unfolding exactly as it was supposed to. I may never know my purpose, but I have one, and God knows what it is. Every one here has a purpose. Live each day as if it were your last. Love fully.

I am different than I was before I lost Maggie Grace. Other things have and will impact me to be different. Will cause a change in my thinking or behavior. Allow yourself to be affected by your life. Allow your honesty about your journey to help someone else on theirs. My life has had negatives and oh so many positives.

As my friend Rebecca, a cancer survivor, said this weekend "what don't kill us will make us stronger." Allow your self to be made stronger by every day in your life.

I hope you help someone have a more beautiful day today.


Dawn said...

Thanks for sharing that. Who knows how many you have helped by writing this post...

Karyn said...

Thank you. I wish my mother could read this.

anaromerodesign said...

It's a beautiful name for your blog! Thanks for sharing! ***