Friday, July 25, 2008

lonely perspectives

I made this mosaic this morning. All of the photos appear to me of lonely and forlorn and empty feeling. Looking for rest and peace in the midst of the storms.

16 days until the graduate becomes the college girl. The piles of lists are driving me nuts. The huge financial part of college is covered - this is now about the little stuff. We have to go through that list and see where we are.

The bills for Abby's er visit and surgery are starting to come in and I hate dealing with insurance companies.

I have made the man at my address angry more than once in the last several days (not even about big things, just stupid stuff). I am not sure why his feelings are so close to the surface - could it be that his little girl is going away????

I see no break in the near future. Softball mini tournament Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday next week. Field workday tomorrow. Then laptop shopping tomorrow night. Abby starts school the 7th and Molly moves away on the 10th. I'm running away the second after I drop Abby off at school on the 11th.

Balance - need it.

Quiet - after a church full of kids all week - desperate for it. Do not misinterpret that statement - VBS was a wonderful and enriching experience this week.

Perspective - I feel like that deer in the mist in that mosaic up there. Trying to see what's out there and not having a clue.

I want someone to take care of Mommy for just a little while - instead of mommy keeping the whole dang thing rolling in the right direction. I really want to scream "you can shop off the list, why the crap does mommy have to actually do the shopping - just buy what is on the d(*& paper. " I want decisions made for me. I want to not answer any questions that begin with the phrases "did you", "could you", "will you", "can I", "where is", "when are you". I want to sit down and have a real conversation over a meal that I didn't buy at a fast food joint. I want the people around me to think for themselves and not expect me to decide everything only to turn up their nose or verbally complain when I make a decision. I want my house clean and all the to do list checked off. (same thing at work) And can somebody please add money to my checking account or leave a bag of money on the table in MaggieGraceWorld.

Sorry - MaggieGrace is having a bit of an off day. The reality - I want to tell people to just leave me alone.

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.


ellen said...

I am going to try this again..blogger was out somewhere before when I left a comment. I will try again.

Some days and some weeks are just beyond us. I am sending you good thoughts, good vibes and messages with capital letters and underlined that you will have soon some space and quiet and some joy. We all need our mothers to take care of us and those of us who are mothers and don't have our own any more, need them more than anyone else. Does that make any sense?
Blessings to you...peace, quietude and rest..may they be yours.

Best, e.

Karen at Junking in Georgia said...

reading what you've posted... hope you have had a little time to recover.. try to realize that she will go away to school regardless of what happens between now and the time she leaves.. will she remember a time of upset and dread on your part or a time when her Mom helped her get ready for her future? .. as for the lists she is going up the road not to the Moon if she needs it she can get it.. do not let the lists over shadow everything else... leaving her at the school will be hard and I think your attitude toward it is being very closely watched ... she is close to you and you cannot let your feelings about letting her go taint her attitude toward school... of course, you are sad to see her go it but try to be as positive as you can about it.. it will help her if you can... remind yourself how lucky you are to have a smart child on scholarship going off to a bright future .. what you are facing isn't easy but I have done it along with lots of other mothers.. this is what you have worked for can do it .. by Christmas you will be proud of her adjustment to college and of your own adjustment to being a college Mom take care

Vallen said...

AS Karen says, the joy you will feel and Abby will feel, will far surpass any trepidation that attacks right now. Fortunately, this process allows parents to let go in increments and lets kids grow up in smaller steps.